Teen Substance Abuse

This past week was difficult. My son reached out to an old friend who now happens to be a drug dealer and cocaine addict. Suffice it to say communication in our home has broken down.

What I learned was that my co-dependency is taking a toll on me physically and emotionally. After 6+ years of this emotional roller coaster, this past week was my breaking point. I have finally asked for help for me.

My son recognized that I needed help and even though he stated it during an angry outburst, I listened, connected and understood the…message.

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I went to a Al-Anon meeting yesterday. It has been a difficult week and I needed help with my recovery. That is the neat thing about Al-Anon, they speak in terms of our recovery from the world of living with an addict.

This week my son reverted to addictive thinking. I do not know if he acted on his thoughts by using but he chose to believe his irrational thoughts. It is difficult and frustrating as a parent to experience this behavior.

Attending Al-Anon reminded me of the three C’s, I did not Cause, I cannot Control and I cannot Cure this disease. It also reminded me that I cannot change others. My job is to care for myself, set boundaries and live a good, happy life for myself.

We forget these simple concepts in the throws of addiction. I am thankful for the clarity given to me by…Al-Anon.

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Yesterday was a difficult day. My son reverted to addictive thinking and manipulation.

He stated that he had been having cravings for the last 48 hours. I asked him if he wanted to make a call or attend a meeting. The answer was,”No.” He said he was going to go long boarding to clear his head with a couple of his buddies. I asked, “Which buddies?” The answer I got was not what I was expecting. One of his skate buddies is now a drug dealer. My son went on to say how this individual was going to help him, he would support his recovery.

I was not buying any of this addictive thinking. My boundaries were set. I reminded him that his father and I support recovery. The individual he wanted to get together with does not support recovery.

I told him it was his decision to go, but if he went, to not come home. I asked him to give me the keys to the house and his car. He would not be welcome here anymore. I recommended that he look at halfway houses and make a call, the lifeline. He instead visited his girlfriend, then went on to his Intensive Outpatient Treatment.

This incident reminded me that this is early recovery, with many challenges. My husband said he felt our son was standing on the…edge of the cliff.

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My son has kept a low profile since leaving treatment. He has seen a few old friends and only gone out at night a couple of times.

Last week I mentioned that on one occasion he may have been triggered. That was the case, last night at dinner he told his father and I that he had been triggered, that was why he came home early and made a call.

At dinner last night he also told us that the reason he is not going out with his friends is that they all use every night now. He said in the past, they might drink a couple of times a week, now it is every night.

I praised him for his honesty and being comfortable enough to tell his father and I his thoughts, concerns and anguish. It is difficult for him being home. People, places and things are the same but he is…changing.

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The group experience is so beneficial. It is that connection that we are not alone. As difficult as our lives seem at times, when you enter the group, it lifts a weight off your shoulders. Mind you, we are complete strangers, our addict is our bond.

My word for last night was hopeful. Many in the group expressed the same sentiment. What I noticed was that we were all hopeful, not necessarily because our loved one was doing better, but because we had set boundaries. For me, recognizing my co-dependency has helped. For others it was contracts and boundaries they had put in place.

Starting to gain control of our own lives has put us all in a better place emotionally. Leaving the group last night I felt…renewed.

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Today I will attend my 2nd Intensive Outpatient Parents meeting. Last week we had to describe in two words how the past week had gone. At that time I said uncharted waters, because our son had only been out of treatment for 2 days. I have no idea if the therapist will ask that same question but I am already pondering it.

My first thoughts are several words, frustrated, annoyed, co-dependent and hopeful. It has been an interesting week. It started with my co-dependency issues which are frustrating and annoying to myself and my son.

Yesterday something happened, my son applied for a job and has an interview today. He also began painting our back deck. We had told him weeks ago we would pay him to paint the deck, so it was great to see him take the initiative and get the project started.

My son attended a NA meeting last night and then he went out with some old friends. He has been keeping a low profile, avoiding the old crowds. He came home within an hour and a half and made a phone call. I wondered if he had been triggered but I did not ask. My husband mentioned some of the guys he was with, so being triggered is possible. As far as co-dependency is concerned with situations such as these, as much as I would want to tell my son not to go, it is his recovery. In the end, I was glad that he came home so soon.

So if the therapist asks for a word this week, it will be hopeful…reflecting.

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My son has been home 9 days now from treatment. During this time he has attended several AA and NA meetings as well as starting his outpatient treatment program.

I have learned during this time that I am a co-dependent and have been for a long time. It is a good thing that I and my son recognize this negative behavior on my part. Letting go and allowing him to take complete ownership in his recovery is necessary for him to have sustained abstinence/sobriety.

Last night I was reminded once again how far he has come in this journey. He asked, for the first time ever, if he could have individual counseling at his Intensive Outpatient program. I did not ask why, he just said that he would value the one-on-one relationship.

Ten weeks ago, he never would have admitted that he had a problem. He lived his life in denial and now he is…reaching out.

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I admit that I am a co-dependent or as my son’s intensive outpatient treatment program calls it, a co-addict. This past Friday I became upset that my son was not going to a NA or AA meeting that day. We got into a heated argument. I knew enough to walk away and let the situation calm down.

My son came to talk to me within a few minutes. He reminded me about two things. One, that I am a co-dependent and need to work on that. Two, that his recovery is just that, his recovery. He has learned a great deal about his addiction. On Mother’s Day he went to two meetings.

Leaving co-dependence behind is not easy. I must constantly remind myself that my son’s recovery belongs to him. I have the tools and know-how, I just need to put it into practice…co-dependent no more.

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Last night my son attended his first IOP Intensive Outpatient Treatment. Thursday nights is the family program, so his father and I also attended a meeting at his facility.

I am always taken aback at these meetings by how normal we all look. We could be your co-worker or next-door neighbor. You never know what is going on in other people’s lives. That is always my first impression.

As the meeting begins, we all state our first name and who our co-addict is, child or spouse. Last night we also had to express a current emotion to sum up our past week. I said uncharted waters, since our son is just out of residential treatment and beginning a new life at home. Another family also stated that their son was just released from treatment this past Monday. They too are experiencing this new beginning.

We are all connected by this disease…not alone.

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Day 3 since my son came home from treatment. He has stayed close to home, not venturing out, not calling old friends.

He has attended two 12-step meetings and will start his Intensive Outpatient Treatment this evening. There was a lightness in his step after last nights AA meeting. Someone recognized him and said hello. He also got a couple of phone numbers. Phone numbers are important, you learn in 12-step to have a contact list, the life line.

We are not walking on eggshells here. We are taking it one day at a time. Just happy that he is here with us and glad that it…feels different.

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